Happy Valentine's Day: Keynote from the Freedom to Marry Day Celebration at MCC of the Lehigh Valley

13th February, 2010 - Posted by nwilsonadmin - 4 Comments

Love and Equality:  We are Upstoppable!

Rev. Nancy Wilson

February 13, 2010

I believe that our fight for Marriage Equality is upstoppable and inevitable – and, it also needs our full support and participation!

In some ways, the movement for Marriage Equality is the ultimate example of the feminist principle, “the personal is political.”

Marriage Equality is very personal, and it is a very important part of the global struggle for human rights for lgbt people. I also want to say how much I appreciate your blessing of those who are single. Marriage should be an option, not  compulsory. There are many good ways to live out ones relational life with integrity and joy. Marriage is one of those ways.

Marriage Equality is personal for me. My 32 year relationship with Paula Schoenwether is a marriage. We knew we wanted to be married almost from the time we met and started dating.

We had a holy union at MCC in 1978. Then we renewed our vows at a synagogue in Los Angeles that we were both members of (the synagogue that was founded in MCC). We applied for a wedding license for the first time in Beverly Hills about 20 years ago, and were rejected, in one of the first Valentine’s Day marriage equality events. At one of the Marches on Washington, when Troy Perry did “The Wedding,” I was there, but Paula was in Los Angeles. Darlene Garner leant me her cell phone (they were not very common yet), and Paula was in LA, and I was in DC, and we said our vows over the phone together!

When Vermont approved civil union, we were there! We brought Paula’s Mom with us, and she was our witness. The most moving part of that was reading the law that Vermont had passed giving all the rights of the State of Vermont to us. Of course, not living there meant it was symbolic only.

When Massachusetts approved gay marriage, we went there, and got married by Diane Fisher. Our nephew played the violin, and we called each other “wife,” for the first time, just to be able to say it, I guess, though it is not our choice of words. Then we sued the State of Florida for the right to have our marriage recognized, and lost. And, we accept that losing battles is a part of winning the war. Part of winning any civil rights battle is the process of “losing up,” losing by less, the small victories. Today, a large majority of Americans support basic civil rights for lgbt folks, the majority think that lgbt couples should have the same rights as marriage provides, and right now, the polls are running 50/50 for marriage equality itself.

Without the benefit of a legal marriage that is recognized in the place we live, for 32 years we have shared a household and all the responsibilities, taken care of each other and our families. We have seen each other through coming out, graduate school, career changes, becoming aunts and godmothers to several children, successes and failures, many moves, the deaths of parents and friends, dealing with ageing parents’ needs, the demands of activism and our movement, the impact of AIDS, menopause and the start of ageing ourselves. If that isn’t marriage, I do not know what is. We have not only survived, but thrive.

For both of us, as for so many people, it was love, and falling in love that drove us out of the closet. It was love that made us more courageous than we might have been. Love, passionate friendships and a movement encouraged us to create and define family in new, queer ways. Love is at the heart of our movement, it is something everyone should be able to understand.

I love the new sitcom, Modern Family, and, in particular, the white gay male couple with the adopted baby girl. They are so bumbling and human and overwhelmed. They are crazy in love with this baby. They are devoted, hapless, awkward new parents.  They are a very human, queer family. I love the dance of the three families, a very 21^st century extended family. It is so queer and so completely mainstream and ordinary,  all at the same time.

I also must acknowledge to a younger generation of lgbt folks who just expect marriage to be accessible to then, that even though I have always thought of myself, and my relationship as equal, I accommodated myself to inequality, and did not always insist on being treated equally. From falsely signing “single” on so many forms over the years, to not coming out all the way in every circumstance. From not telling the whole truth every single time when asked if I was married. From not insisting on being given discounts or access to lots of small courtesies, much less “rights” that married couples have.

All those little accommodations to inequality have become less and less tolerable to me. Paula has been my teacher, many times, about that. She never passes up an opportunity to come out as a married lesbian. Just let someone on a line at the department store mention her husband, and Paula takes her cue and talks about me!

When we had our first civil union in Vermont, Paula worked at a  very conservative real estate office, run by an Iranian Muslim man, with mostly Armenians and Korean colleagues. They had never known anyone as openly gay as Paula. They surprised us when we came home from Vermont. They threw us a luncheon, like they did for every other couple who got married, in this little Italian restaurant with 30 people from the office, a wedding cake, a “money tree,” and little rainbow gifts wrapped in rainbow paper. It was so astonishing and so completely ordinary. Her simple insistence on being treated equally was a clear message that they received and stepped up to. It was a wonderful moment of grace.

But, marriage equality is more than the personal story. It is a part of the global struggle for human rights.

Gay marriage was first achieved in Canada, because of an obscure law and an MCC attorney. In Canada, their was a law that even if you did not have a marriage license, if the marriage bans were announced three weeks in a row in church, the wedding was legal. MCC Toronto, and Rev. Brent Hawkes tested this law, and eventually, in 2005, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled that same-sex marriage is legal, the first country in the world to do so.

All over the world, young lgbt people are coming out, in very hostile, difficult places, where marriage equality is low on the agenda. In Uganda, there is a law being proposed that could put people in prison for life, or put them to death, just for being lgbt. As we stand up as Americans to speak against that kind of lethal bigotry, we must do it from a place of knowing our struggle here is still unfinished. Equality is full equality, or it is not equality at all. No more accommodation. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, must also mean the freedom to marry the love of my life.

“We must believe in Destiny, and that it stands in need of us,” said Martin Buber, the Jewish theologian. Sixteen young Haitian lgbt people were meeting in the early phases of organizing a movement there just weeks ago – 14 of them perished in the earthquake that day. Those surviving activists are our brothers and sisters, and their destiny is tied to ours. The whole world is watching what happens here, and in many other countries in the world. Safety, dignity, and human rights, that include marriage equality, must be our mantra.

The same prejudice that says my 32 year marriage to Paula is not as good as a heterosexual marriage that is 10 minutes old, is the same prejudice that sanctions homophobic violence in this country and everywhere. And, as we know, so much of that prejudice is religiously based. Those of us who are people of faith, who see justice and inclusion as the hallmarks of true religion, need to make the global connections. A new generation of lgbt people all over the world are counting on us to win in Pennsylvania, in the US and in the rest of the world.  As they risk their lives for a new day of freedom, we must pay the price to change the laws and attitudes that say my marriage, and yours, is somehow dangerous, immoral or inferior.

To lovers, spouses, friends everywhere, Happy Valentine’s Day!

4 Comments

Elizabeth Jensen-Forbell

February 13th, 2010 at 11:23 pm    

Happy Valentine’s Day to you too…and THANK YOU BOTH for being the wonderful role models you are – today and every day!

C. Jane Carl

February 14th, 2010 at 3:52 pm    

Thanks Rev. Elder Nancy. You tied a tight knot between Susan & I in 1987 and again in Calgary Canada. Our 25 years together have been amazing and continue to be.

C. Jane Carl

February 14th, 2010 at 3:54 pm    

Thanks Rev. Elder Nancy. You tied a tight knot between Susan & me in 1987 and again in Calgary Canada. We’ve had an amazing 25 years together.

t early scott

February 15th, 2010 at 12:04 pm    

Especially liked the parts about Paula Schoenwether. She is an amazing woman. You are so lucky. T. Early

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